<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Emptiness by Self_Indulgent_TMNT</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768953">Emptiness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Self_Indulgent_TMNT/pseuds/Self_Indulgent_TMNT'>Self_Indulgent_TMNT</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, Emptiness, F/M, Hope, Martin helps, Mental Health Issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:48:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>946</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23768953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Self_Indulgent_TMNT/pseuds/Self_Indulgent_TMNT</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She sat in the dark, head at a strange angle and arm curled around her neck. Not uncomfortable, neither comfortable. Not usual. Not right.<br/>She couldn’t bring herself to move. She couldn’t bring herself to let in the light.<br/>It wouldn’t matter anyhow. Light didn’t make a difference.</p><p>The Hero of Kvatch has fought a lot of battles in her life, but this... this emptiness and lack of feeling is what has floored her. This dull pain without feeling.<br/>This is something even Martin may not be able to soothe.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hero of Kvatch | Champion of Cyrodiil/Martin Septim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Emptiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been having a down episode it hit a peak, or perhaps a low, today. I've found the only thing that ever helps is writing something about it. Here's my latest.<br/>I don't know if it makes a lot of sense, I'm not really sure what it is, but it has made me feel a lot better so I'm going to share it.<br/>I hope someone else can enjoy it, too.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She sat in the dark, head at a strange angle and arm curled around her neck. Not uncomfortable, neither comfortable. Not usual. Not right.<br/>
She couldn’t bring herself to move. She couldn’t bring herself to let in the light.<br/>
It wouldn’t matter anyhow. Light didn’t make a difference.</p><p>It hurt. This living. It was difficult and she couldn’t always manage it.<br/>
This had nothing to do with the past or the present or the future. This dull pain inside would happen regardless of what had happened, what was happening, what was about to happen.<br/>
She had been here before. The bed she’d sat upon then had been less comfortable, the food she forced herself to eat had been less exquisite. But it had all seemed the same.<br/>
She slid from the bed, sank to the floor and sat there. Even the wooden boards were too luxurious. It almost stirred a feeling inside her. Almost.<br/>
Her arm slid from its position holding her neck, hand landing next to the other on her knees, drawn up to her chest.</p><p>It was dark.<br/>
It hurt just a little bit. Just enough.</p><p>She’d been bearing it alone, hiding how hard it really was. Hiding how her chest felt like it was caving in despite the fact she was breathing just fine.<br/>
This wasn’t a physical curse.</p><p>The door opened, the darkness dispersed just a little. She didn’t care. Couldn’t summon the ability to care. He could see her like this. He might as well. She’d hidden it behind smiles and laughter and the ability to function while she was breaking. She couldn’t do it anymore.</p><p>Martin stood in the doorway, looking down at his hero. She seemed small. Curled up in the darkness, staring up at him without a word, still in her nightgown despite it nearly being midday.<br/>
“You didn’t show for breakfast”<br/>
“No”<br/>
“You barely said a word at dinner”<br/>
“No”</p><p>Let him see, she thought. Let him see the apathy which was all she could summon. Somewhere deep inside her a voice told her not to let him, screamed at her to hide it all and pretend. Pretend something, anything but the truth. The voice was crushed beneath the dark cloud inside her, the cloud which had been building for days.<br/>
‘What will he think?’ the voice asked.<br/>
She didn’t care.<br/>
“I can’t take this anymore, Martin”<br/>
He was still standing, looking down at her. Not judging, just looking.<br/>
“You don’t have to”<br/>
“I can’t”<br/>
“I know”<br/>
Martin walked over. His feet, still in the simple sandals he’d worn as a priest despite his position as emperor, made little sound. He slid to the floor next to her. The open door continued to flood light in.<br/>
“Is this about the Oblivion crisis?”<br/>
“No”<br/>
“Is this about anything happening now?”<br/>
“No”<br/>
He sighed. “Is this about anything at all?”<br/>
It was her turn to sigh. She fought back a wave of something – sadness? Hopelessness? Pain? – “No”<br/>
He pressed his shoulder into hers. “Have you been crying?”<br/>
So many questions!<br/>
“No”<br/>
She couldn’t cry. Oh what it would be like to cry.<br/>
He turned to her, bringing a hand up to stroke her hair, still mussed from sleep. “My champion. My beautiful champion. Is there anything in there at all?”<br/>
All she could do was shake her head and close her eyes, leaning into his touch.<br/>
“You have fought so many battles, my love. You have taken on challenges the greatest warriors in our history failed. I had wondered how far you could go, how much you could take before you lost. Before you were failed by sword and bow and magic. But this… This makes far more sense.”<br/>
“What do you mean, Martin?”<br/>
“You are failed not by your abilities, you fall not in battle. It is something deep inside which sends you to the ground. You could fight battles all day long. It is in yourself that you can’t always win.”<br/>
“It hurts, Martin. I’m sick of it. I want to feel again. This emptiness won’t leave me be.”<br/>
“I know, my love”<br/>
“How can you know?”<br/>
He took her chin and turned it slowly, dragging her eyes to meet his. They burned with intensity. And kindness.<br/>
“Because I have been here. I have fought the emptiness until I can keep it at bay no longer and it takes me where I stand. And suddenly whatever you’re doing means nothing and all you can do is… well… nothing.”<br/>
She blinked at him. He smiled a little.<br/>
“Am I right?”<br/>
“Yes”<br/>
He took her hand where it still rested on her knees.<br/>
“It’ll come back. You’ll be alright again. You’ll feel again.”<br/>
“You can’t know that.”<br/>
“I can”<br/>
“How?”<br/>
“Well it always does come back, doesn’t it? Every time it happens you feel like it’ll last forever but it never does”<br/>
“I suppose you’re right”<br/>
“Of course I am”<br/>
“So what do I do?”<br/>
“Well. You could sit here in the dark or you could walk out of that door, come with me downstairs, and walk outside in the sun. It’s up to you. Ill be with you either way”<br/>
She stared forward. The doorway poured light into the darkened bedchamber. Sunlight creeped through gaps in the curtains. Outside the world continued, lives went on. She couldn’t imagine what that felt like.<br/>
Light flooded the room in little ways.<br/>
Cracks in the darkness.<br/>
Martin’s hand held hers. Gentle, understanding.<br/>
She forced herself to smile a little It felt good. It felt.<br/>
“What do you say, my lady? Shall we take a walk in the gardens?”<br/>
She smiled a little wider.<br/>
“Of course, my lord. I would like that”</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>